New year, new crisis

It's that time of year folks...

So, it’s been a while since I wrote anything… It’s the school summer holidays and I don’t know about you but my life seems to go on hold when the kids are off. And it always seems to be about this time of year that I have an existential crisis of some kind. You know, where you start to question your very existence and wonder what the hell you’re here for apart from providing snacks and washing socks…

It’s a traditional time of year to make goals, plans, resolutions, but I’ve found since moving to New Zealand that January no longer vibes with the whole new year, new me thing. It’s too hot to be introspective. It’s hard to be goal focused when it’s so sunny outside. But it is the traditional time of year for me to slowly lose my mind, so I double down and get on with it. Nothing screams urgency at you like finding yourself at the 15cm mark on the 30cm ruler of life and feeling clueless.

I’ve realised that it's hard to make a new start when you’re surrounded by the backlog of a life half finished. My desk is covered in paperwork that I need to sort through and file. There are the piles of books that I haven’t read yet, along with the emails I haven’t yet answered, and the dishwasher I need to empty. It’s all feeling a bit much.

I have so much I want to do that it feels almost crippling. Where do i start? 

I want to rip out the bathroom and replace it. I want to put new carpets in the house. I want to create art that people want in their homes. I want to start my own interior design company. I want to write a funny column for The Guardian. I want to be a good Mum. I want to get healthy. I want to get over my fear of flying. I want my life to mean something…

See I told you. Crippling.

I’ve come to the realisation that this time of year is hard because of the pressure I put on myself to have everything figured out, when in reality, life is never really fully figured out. It’s OK to not know everything up front, to give yourself the freedom to explore and discover the journey your life is on. You look around and think that everyone knows what their life is for, but on the most part it’s rare to have it all sewn up - most of us are just living day to day - doing what we need to do to survive.

“The afternoon of life is just as full as meaningful as the morning, only its meaning and purpose are different.”
Carl Jung

I feel like I’ve always been searching for that ‘thing’ and never quite reaching it. I think I have… I’ll be a Creative Director. A Writer. An Illustrator. A Designer. A Mum. Only to discover that this new thing is pretty much the same as all the other things. Having ADHD means that we are constantly on the lookout for that new dopamine high. The new challenge, the new thing to learn. The familiar gets too old. Too boring. Too peopley. 

It’s also important to remember that during these long periods away from my ‘normal’ life I need to be creative (That there is no shame in needing interests outside of mothering my children.) Because it’s this lack of stimulation that pushes me over the edge into the abyss that is existential crisis.

So it seems that working out my indelible life’s contribution is still a work in progress, but I realise that a big part of it is living a life to prove that getting older is truly the only thing to aspire to.